Some words are simply fantastic. For example, my favorite word is pultritudinous. No, it does not have anything to do with poultry. In fact, it means beautiful.

Pultritudinous is a pultritudinous word, don’t you think?

Unfortunately, there are some words that are not so beautiful. I won’t go into specifics, but I’ll try to make sure my meaning is clear.

Words that follow in phrases such as “What the—,” “—that,” or “That’s a load of—” are horrific!

Just so you don’t think I’m something that could also fit into one of those blanks, I’ll explain through an anecdote. No, this story is not true, but bear with me for a moment.

There was a kid at C.M. Russell High School who decided that he wasn’t getting anything out of school. So, whenever he felt bored, he would smack himself in the head. If you do not see how outrageous this is, I’d advise you to check your head for bruises.

After a while, the kid was seen meandering through the hallways during class periods. A teacher questioned him, but the only reply she received was a plethora of incoherent sounds. What happened was that the ritual of clouting his temples had lower his IQ points so much that he could no longer speak.

Everything makes sense now, right?

Okay, I’ll analyze it for you. When a cuss word is placed in a sentence for every noun, verb, and adjective, people sound uneducated. I don’t know if spewing these words from your lips really drops your IQ points or not, but I wouldn’t doubt it.

But it’s no good to just grumble about these things, so I guess I’d better suggest a solution.

Try this out: pick up a dictionary (a real, leather-bound, paper pages one works best), flip it open to a random page, choose a pultritudinous word, and use it. One word at a time, we could all start sounding like Webster himself.