There are places in this world where no one knows of a “Montana” aside from a street in their town. You, my friend as a Montana resident, are not one of those people. Yes, I’m talking to you. You purple-toed-flip-flop-wearing weirdo.

As a wanna-be Californian, you wear flip flops in the winter when you know it’s going to be cold (because, after all, you do live in Montana). Then, gosh this ticks me off, you complain about icy distal-phalanges. It’s all fine and dandy if you want to be that “cool kid” wearing flip-flops, but really? If you’re going to be an unintelligent being go ahead and wear them. For goodness sake, don’t complain that your toes are cold.

It’s not only the people with the black toes who are suffering. It’s the ones in heels schlepping slowly through the halls. They know who they are. The ones whose arches hurt and toes are crunched. I feel for you, kids. However, if you continue to wear things that hurt you (and complain about it) you won’t be on my Christmas card list.

It’s very simple. I despise complainers. I’m all for self-expression, but dear Lord baby Jesus don’t complain. It’s not a very redeeming quality.