Losing myself more and more

Holly Spragg, Online Editor

Time – we have nothing but it right now, but the hours seem to run past my eyes in a blur.  My screen time is going up and so is the length of quarantine.  I cannot understand how the days go by so fast but the self isolation takes forever.

I have always known that I cannot be one that has long periods of relaxation or nothingness because my mind starts to wander further than I can reach.  The routine of staying up until 3 a.m., sleeping till 10 a.m., watching the time on my phone speed by all while forgetting what the desire to leave the house feels like is not ideal for me.

I have learned the layout of my ceiling and carpet all too well, the tunnels and caves of my mind never seem to end. I can no longer say that I am sad about being stuck inside because I have lost the need to be outside.  I find my bedroom door closing and lights turning off becoming a constant.

I have changed my room’s layout at least 349 times and cleaned the bathroom everyday.  I keep trying to find little things to get me up, to want, but as the time goes up my will to look goes down.  I have not felt like myself, my creativity is dwindling as I try to silence and block out the outdoors. 

The release I found in my flute has shattered. I can only tear myself apart at my mistakes and hate the idea of just having fun with it.  I practice the pieces we will probably not get to perform and yet, I don’t turn in the practice forms I have thoroughly completed.  I found I got a superior rating for a solo I performed, but I can’t stop myself from finding the reasons why it was a mistake.

My animals have not been able to light up my eyes like before; they do not get the usual overwhelming and suffocating love from me anymore.  I give them a pat and they sit on the couch or my bed while I stare at nothing silently, for hours. 

A new family moved in right next to me at the beginning of this mess, they have two young children who love my dogs and have lots of joy and hope.  I have not met them. I can only hear what they get up to in their backyard and what my mother informs me of.  I used to smile at little kids playing, not caring what others think.

My last day in school was my birthday. I had no idea it could quite possibly be the last time I have a regular school day. What a bittersweet ending. 

I am afraid my progress will be lost.  I am worried, once this quarantine ends, my self isolation will not.