In case you are one of exactly three people I have yet to inform, I don’t watch college basketball. In case you are one of exactly two people I have yet to inform, I love Zion Williamson.

There is nothing I could ever tell you about Zion that you couldn’t learn online, which is because I also learned everything I know about Zion online. (I am become the hype train; the hype train is one with me.) I know about his crazy leaps. I know his physical stats. I know that he could murder any Duke fan and they would thank him. He could physically crush Duke fans’ skulls under his 6.5-inch-wide shoes and they would blame Nike.

More than anything, he seems like a smart player. Zion reads the court like it’s One Fish Two Fish; he controls horizontal area, and calling him a naturally talented playmaker would be an affront to his intelligence and ability to develop as a player.

But no one wants a nuanced take on the probable number one draft pick from me (trust me on that)—there are experts around who would be better suited for the task, and it’s certainly not the sort of thing I could offer with any degree of credulity or competence anyways.

Instead, I would like to make some conjectures on potential career paths, should the Elitest of Them All decide that maybe a year off from balling would be the best thing for him to do. Cue  Knicks anguish.

1: Person who Carries Large Things

YES he has RJ and Tre and Cam but let’s be real. Duke MBB is heavy and Zion holds it well. I propose that the professional world recognize his ability to carry things and give him something a little bit nicer to hold, say, public office. Media will love him.

2: Chef and/or Pâtissier

He’s always cooking up good plays, so why not let him kick culinary butt? Zion’s sensitivity to everything that is happening around him prepares him well for a life spent coordinating a Michelin-starred kitchen. Additionally, Zion’s soft touch would make him an incredible pastry chef, capable of the perfect mille-feuille or macaron. I for one will welcome his appearance as Paul Hollywood’s replacement on The Great British Baking Show and eagerly await pre-ordering his signature cookbook.

3: Professional Twilight Fan

Zion’s the person who can defend the indefensible. Check out this block:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-dzXCT7Sy-s

Cool, right? If he can turn something mildly inconvenient (a shot from the three) to something mind-boggling, surely Zion should be capable of creating something at least tolerable out of a larger dumpster fire than the Lakers’ season: the Twilight franchise (Oscar nomination mode activated). Sure, it’s a little bit past the series’ heyday, but all the more reason for him to be passionately invested in proselytizing. Perhaps he can achieve a feat yet more difficult than a championship: converting me.

4: Librarian

His gravity-defying plays often silence stadiums in awe (preceding deafening roars). Why not apply his shushing skills to the library? Zion Williamson, Keeper of the Literary Sanctuary, Defender of Public Knowledge has a pretty nice ring to it—almost as nice as NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Champion. (To digress briefly, Kawhi Leonard also has legitimate librarian energy? Discuss.)

5: Ascot Mascot

Zion’s got the neck after which all ascot manufacturers will soon be clamoring. Blue Devils-branded ascots will be available online in fall 2019. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I can’t really tell you whether or not Zion’s got the skills necessary at this point to make him an NBA phenom next season, because when it comes to basketball, I’m not even close to Socrates-level know-nothing. But the little I do know of him suggests that he’s a nice guy. I wish Zion success wherever the next season finds him.

Edit as of 03/31/2019: This meticulously researched, painstakingly compiled article is now hanging on to relevance by a polyester fiber. Pay respects to Duke’s 2018-19 season. Zion should really start considering some of these suggestions right about now.